15/04/2022
Taken with Lomography ‘Lady Grey’ 35mm film on my Canon AE1 film camera.
After publishing my last post, Four Years Kicking, I felt like I was at a crossroads of sorts. I know having reached these milestones (fifty posts and four years of this blog) I want to continue in this direction, writing, photographing, expressing myself and communicating my experience. I was on a high. Then the next day came, and the next, and now it has been a few weeks since that post, and writing a follow up is on my plate. So where have I been?
Sometimes content falls into my lap, sometimes I have to give it a good brainstorm and pick seeds out of the rubble. An example of the former: in May I’m going to Italy and upon my return I will publish a post all about it, writing about how travelling solo is a great joy for me and my mental wellbeing, describing the feeling of freedom and happiness I experience when I set out in a foreign city alone, listening to music and exploring. That is a concrete plan.
In between now and then a lot has happened, and will happen, and in writing it’s a matter of contextualising it through one theme. This is the life of a blogger. However, sometimes I just sit down and write my feelings in a more journal style, and I suspect that is what is happening here. Let me give you the place: right now I’m sitting in my local café with a flat white after a late night. I saw a musician friend play last night and it was wonderful, although now I am feeling my body protesting at getting its sleep schedule out of whack. It was worth it. The café is quiet, a big family just left. My eyes are all bleary but I’m calm.
Not the actual coffee shop I was at. I do recommend it though!
I have been improving a lot over the last couple of months. I took on writing for my church’s blog and website in January and I love it. I have felt my depression gradually take a back seat as I keep my mind busy and invested in something I truly value, alongside my own personal writing. It’s what makes me happy. Planning for a trip to Florence (my happy place) has shot my mood into the stratosphere. I’m spending time with friends, getting the work done, watching live music, eating good food. It’s all great, right? I feel blessed. I do. But it’s not always easy.
My therapist explained that when processing trauma, that part, the trauma part, of the brain can be overwhelmed and fall into fight, flight, freeze or submit. My dissociative seizures fall under submit and for the last decade have been my traditional way of reacting. I didn’t dissociate. That is a victory.
When feeling a bit down I make sure to deal with the situation: If it’s relevant I might speak to people who know and understood the cause, who then reassure me and help iron out the problem at its source. I speak to my therapist about the symptoms, who reassures me and helps me understand the mental process and why the cause has manifested in these feelings. I understand what is happening, and myself. Addressing both the cause and the symptoms with those who know best calms my heart and my mind. I can’t delete trauma, and I can’t stop it from affecting my body when it’s triggered, but how I manage it is becoming easier, and I have a lot of good people to thank.
Explaining things like this in writing can help me process it too.
Portrait of Claude
It’s another day and I’m rereading what I’ve written so far and feeling good about it. One of my dogs, Brandy, was sunbaking when I left the house. I’m back in the café. My coffee is even smoother today. I’m okay, although I feel a bit lonely sometimes. I like aloneness, though. Sometimes one can morph into the other which can be good or bad. Now the sun is out I am in the mood to create something new that will enhance the world. There are church events coming up and I’m going to photograph and write about them. I have been playing with a lot of different films lately, mostly shooting portraits, which I love, even if they’re just of my dogs. I’m dreaming of Italy. It’s something big to look forward to (only three-and-a-bit weeks!) I contemplate other things. I like to see the tenderness in people; I want to be tender. I want to be soft-hearted. I want to live that way without people taking advantage of it. I don’t want to be a fool. I hate looking foolish and being humiliated. I want tenderness, to see open arms without closed fists at the end of them. I want to be open arms and soft hands, too. I want to banish any hardening of my heart and set fire to fear; I want to calm the fight and cool the blood; I want to be left with love.
Portrait of Brandy
The next time I see you I’ll be home from Italy, tired and with a used roll of film in my bag. I plan to relish my favourite part of the world, make my Italian grandpa (who is in heaven now) proud, and no matter how it goes acknowledge the blessings raining down upon me, because mental and emotional hiccups happen, but life, with all its varying patches, is good. I will be creative, wherever I am.
Until then, ciao!
