13/07/2020
The sun has graced us with its presence today. The clouds resemble impressionist paintings in all of their elaborately blurred glory. My dog, Claude, is clearly dying for a walk as he flies up and down the stairs, stealing our socks and flinging them around as his frustration mounts. It is another day in lockdown, and I am in the precarious situation of feeling peaceful yet delicately teetering on the cusp of all-encompassing reflection.
Living with physical and mental health issues during months of lockdown has created a constant emotional flurry in my mind. Before the whole of the UK went into quarantine I had been on a personal lockdown since January due to daily and nightly dissociative seizures derived from my latest diagnosis of Complex PTSD, in addition to my pre-existing conditions. Over the past several weeks I decided to document some of this and have been writing ‘micro journals’, little snippets of life, on post-it notes.
After I collected a hefty pile of post-it notes I rearranged them by adhering them to random spots all over two of my bookcases so they formed both horizontal and vertical lines. I have now transcribed these lines and created a series of ‘streams of consciousness’ which are written here, and are designed to represent my state of mind over this time.
The randomness of the order and sudden flitting from one thought or emotion to another, often completely unrelated, from happiness to sadness and all in between, is an image of these thought processes. Excuse the uneven tone, but that is what it has been like existing in this state throughout several months of extremely insular living. Here they are; I hope these examples of the ‘flurry’, the relentless whirlpool, are illuminating. And so 2020 goes on.
Months of isolation
With daily dissociation
eyes closing
walking up walls and across the ceiling
The world is wild
And I was desperate for my eyes to open
Only to see
tragedy
Why all the internal rhymes
All the vowels that reside inside
…I have a problem and need help
And a life!
*Face palm*
Family and friends, my Medical People, church events, an online baby shower or BBQ… through these lazy days of Zoom. July 4 has arrived in England - but is freedom truly in view?
I have tasted it as seizures diminish, and fidgeted with the rest of the country too
Scratches in my mind alter the colours of this time
When will I see you
Writing more letters
Sent my film off to get developed
Happy high
Manageable flashbacks exist!
We didn’t know you were in pain
My order from Pen Heaven is coming tomorrow!!!
Maybe the serious me was the truthful me
and those crazy days
were running away
I will never go on a cruise,
my escape instincts would be
thoroughly thwarted
The boat could be thunderstruck
Everything would be theatricalised
Thematical thingamabobs littered throughout
…
I need more therapy
It is not just me who carries these things
The weight is also on all the hands that lift me up
Though they would say I am light as air
I am grateful for my people
and their time
and their love
Script came
Bought more packets for the stack
Trying to be normal takes measures that are not normal for the human body
Once again I am in recovery
BUT
The last few weeks have really turned it around!
Something storms my head
and then REFUSES TO LEAVE
For days on end
it invades the screen
Etched on my eyes
Blinking does nothing
Inexhaustible stalks of thought
Flowering
Claude barked and got me up at 4:30am
I think he’s actually trolling me now
They need to make these post-it notes bigger, I’m practically scrawling over myself
I kept being told I had changed
A decade migration
I am not sure if it’s the complex PTSD
Analysis has kept me dwelling
When I want to think of so many other things unrelated to me
I am a different person
H says I’m more ‘pensive’ and ‘tough’ and this makes sense
So much too much
Now get. out. of. my. head.
I keep watching Ghibli as it is a pure place
Over and over again
With just a little bit of snark
I now know the Japanese word for ‘idiot’
Was Shrek 2 really that good?
It went dark today
Moody, broody English day
More boredom
but the backdrop is dramatic
Like a reckoning is about to come
But it will most likely only drizzle
The sky is mocking me
Its defiant insipidity
(oxymoron)
(emphasis on moron)
My goodness, I waffle
Don’t be a misery guts, Biggs
UPDATE: over 3 months of coronavirus lockdown in the UK
6 months of personal seizure-related lockdown
BIG news - no more daytime seizures!!!
Next stop is eradicating nighttime seizures
Church is praying
Anything is possible
Extremely thankful
This is a MONUMENTAL deal
These post-its keep falling off the shelf
Not sticky enough
My desk faces three sets of windows and I can see everything that happens in the street
A big tree
Lots of Amazon deliveries
Poodle crosses
Leisurely conversations
Shopping bags that clink
I am Jimmy Stewart without a broken leg or a secret plot to observe
Who needs one when I can gaslight myself?
Every day I wake up at 5 or 5:30am
or when Claude starts barking
It’s 9am and it’s already halfway through the day
When is lunch
Ruminating about ruminating
the cycle
THE CYCLE
The curse of introspection
The merciless reflection
A perpetual detention
Walked Claude through the forest
When he jumps into long grass he’s like a hovercraft zooming through the green tendrils
But what about the crickets?
He’s getting frisky with other puppies and is just generally manic, enjoys dirt
I enjoy scaling the forest myself, climbing trees, getting stuck, but happily
The air is fresh, I can breathe
I am not using mindfulness apps they give me panic attacks
Counter-productive
How much do self-help voice actors make?
Maybe I’ve missed my calling
Not enough prescriptions in the world, I’m panicking a lot lately
Anxiety in the chest and can’t bear people
Changed the film in my camera after getting my previous prints back
Very happy thrills of thrills
Actually really excited
Don’t get me wrong, it was also fun
Past things could be tough
But even those corners were dulled
By certain laughs/loves
Again no seizure last night!
No sweat or stink
I am one fresh lass
I woke at 5, not even mad
Trauma anniversaries
They’re mental and emotional torture
My adversaries
Went on the tube, and it is the same as before
Except for the masks
And all the signs
And the small detail that there is almost no one on it
I am not worried I will dissociate!
Life without daytime dissociation is a new, brighter dimension
Forest glades
All the rest… sweetened away
Walked Claude, actually managed to get through it without him being inappropriate with other dogs
Sniffed noses that’s all
Less muppety! Slightly!
I’ve been getting coffee from the local twice a day which is good taste and good chats
Diamond faces black gloves
But today is too hot and had a panic attack
Feeling fragile
First in a while
I want to come back
SKIP AD
Church on YouTube in an hour
*hour has passed*
Pastor talked about Psalm 8 and God’s majesty
Very uplifting very inspiring
Brain unfreeze
Tight chest
Tight chest
Rib cage contracting
Heart expanding
Ventricles hardening
Concrete everything
For the first time in a long time, I did not have a seizure last night!
Hallelujah!
It’s a small life, in some ways
But I’m living it
You’re not the only one with a vocabulary, Boris
The emergency medication has expired
Flashbacks not as manageable
Getting a haircut in two weeks!
I will no longer look like something out of Macbeth
Drinking is different now
Am I still that girl
I want to stop this incessant reflection
Can it, Hancock
Too sad, 17 is sad
Except then I met S
Watching one of my favourite Youtube channels where one guy makes videos about all of Tolkien’s works, from The Silmarillion to Lord of the Rings, even to The Unfinished Tales
They’re extremely detailed and I’m learning so much about where the elves came from and all of their shenanigans with Morgoth (and his orcs) and the dwarves and the humans and the Valar and the Silmarils and EACH OTHER. They’re beautiful but truly, the drama
Eating it up, of course
Not sure if I had a seizure last night as nothing woke me up
No profuse sweat, I did find my pyjama bottoms on the floor in the morning though
Either I had a seizure or I am sick of my fashion choices
Writing another letter to a friend I miss
Let’s talk about imposter syndrome
Why do we not feel like what we look like sometimes
Lorelai is a jerk
and Dean
and Rory
and yes you sound jealous
New script is still not here and I’m waiting for the bats to subside
Got a new brocade blazer though
Wrap me in gold thread until they go away
Just heard about the grief of
somebody I used to know
It has been several years but I am crushed for them
I can’t think about anything else, it’s fused to the fibres of my mind
I get fixated
All day, all the time
Why am I so self-centred
I only ever wanted the best for your life
My prayers are for you tonight
Watching Howl’s Moving Castle for the 15th time, at least. It’s pouring with rain outside as the heat finally broke
One of my favourite movies of all time
Child Howl just swallowed a falling star
and honestly it makes complete sense
It literally glistens
In Middle Earth the beginning of the world was a song
There is something kind of beautiful about that
About life being music, like WE are music
I have 10 tote bags in a pile and 5 are from Daunt Books
Another is a sturdy navy one with ‘emotional baggage’ written on it
And yes, it is my favourite!
I am listening to ‘The Double Cleanse Podcast’ and they just laugh and talk about skincare and honestly it is a good time.
Let’s talk about spiritual growth
I’m not going to be me from 10 years ago
It’s my backbone
It’s not too late
M just introduced me to k-pop and I’m not mad
I got diagnosed with complex PTSD by a neuropsychiatrist
Google is just a tool for masochism
I do NOT have borderline
It’s okay, it’s a good day, even with the rain!
I am looking for the best Japanese/Korean sunscreen
Being sick has made my consumption more specific
Blah blah blah self-care blah
Just went to the dentist and the level of PPE means it’s like being in an operating theatre, but being extremely conscious of what is going on
Had surgery twice and apart from the post-op groaning and drooling it was blissful unawares
The nurses ruled
They always do
New role of Portra 35mm film coming
Keen for more portraits
Even my camera is sick of landscapes
More sunlight through the trees!!!
When I was a kid my favourite book of the Bible was Proverbs
Now I read Psalms over and over
It’s the full spectrum of emotion
It’s 35 degrees
I did NOT move to the UK for this
Speaking of
It’s exactly 7 years on the 4th since then
7 years of home
It’s 10 years ago, but this time I leave
This time they REDACTED in earshot, and I leave
And the others care, this time
I like writing mediocre poetry
Not good, not bad
But very cathartic
I have nine separate completed colouring-in cards
It’s adult colouring-in, okay?
Creativity is a way to get through the day/keep me sane etc
(Relative)
I need to stop looking at Twitter in my sleep
Clumsy sleepy thumbs keep ‘liking’ things I wouldn’t ordinarily
Slightly concerned I look like a terrible person
Irony is I don’t even personally use Twitter
Toxic echo chamber
A merciless commander
…and bad spelling
Talked to S - my mental health nurse - on the phone
A soft place to land
Speaking again in four weeks
‘If you say, “don’t think about the pink elephant”, what will you think about? The pink elephant.’
When Rory cuts her hair and starts going to Yale it’s the beginning of the end
Therapist said to not write about trauma, but write light
Like light fiction
Maybe I should do this but with pieces of a story
And more alliteration
Always
(See what I did? I crack myself up)
Two years from 30 and not that wild thing
No one says, ‘wow you haven’t changed at all!’
But H says this is more authentic, that was defensive
Maybe
A majestic car is across the street
The people stretch in their underwear in front of an open window
Curtains please
panicpanicpanic
Claude is eating a bone on my rug
He has no manners
Sometimes I forget that he’s a dog!
The key (in the short term) to dealing with distressing memories in the every day, doc tells me
is distract distract distract
not dwell dwell dwell
I’m getting better at it!
Slowly!
Was lying in bed
Thinking,
I would be nowhere without the women in my life
I always wanted to be B when I grew up
We are bonded
Have you ever thought about how ‘bonds’ can be things that imprison a person OR
they can be things bringing people together, in love and solidarity?
It’s the same word, but one means loneliness, and the other the opposite
(Although sometimes I think you can feel both at once)
But I’m blessed to have the latter with these women
Always
I am not imprisoned
We are not imprisoned
My skin exploded
Still having therapy once a week, but by phone
I miss us drinking coffee while I sit in a big yellow chair and talk about my feelings
but it keeps me afloat
One of the people and treatments to whom and which I owe this life
It has been a blessing
I thank you
Over and over
I need to re-read Patti Smith’s Just Kids
Concentration continues to be an issue
Hence micro-journals with nothing profound to say
Not the idea though
Sometimes the void is the point
This is turning into a project within a project
‘A Post-It Project: Micro Journaling in Lockdown’
Insipid name
Will probably use it
I sent colouring-in to the Ps
They are special
The days are slow but the weeks fly by
I wrote an essay on ‘What is time?’ last year
Can’t remember exactly what I said… Something about ‘human interpretation of natural patterns’
‘Subjective versus objective time’ etc etc
Took a month to write
Could not think straight
REDACTED threatened REDACTED
Flippantly
My nausea will not cease
Just bought a bunch of mochi and aloe vera tea
Insides crystallised
I have wanted to thank you for so many years
Feeling less bruised
So
I’m
thanking
you
I sent off my film to West End Cameras and might get it back by the end of the week
It’s full of portraits this time
Sometimes I feel pretty, other times gargoyles
Writing/photography/different types of art
Walking through nature with D and the dog
Sunny afternoons, cool drinks
A WhatsApp away from all the love in the world
Feeling that despite all the sadnesses
I’ve got it pretty good
In 2 months I turn 28
And you know what?
It’s not a waste
I am not a waste
The infamous Claude in front of these same bookcases.
Taken with Portra 400 35mm film on a Canon A-E1 Program (early 1980s)